Don't need this drama

Erghhh! You know its a week before christmas and i really don't want drama! Yet another friend of my husband is pregnant ( i have very few friends as you can tell!but my husbands friends are my friends too). They had a baby in May this year and the next due in July! It was a bit unexpected beings as there will only be a small gap between but hey! Good luck they are gonna need it!
Anywhere there were a few words said, apparantly something i said ( along the lines of "i thought you werent having another one lol" ) got misinterpreted and they thought, somehow i was saying their children were unwanted? I think there were other issues here that fuelled these thoughts but after tears on both parts and me feeling extrememly depressed that a friend could think i would say things like that!
I think we have sorted it now, although i dont think our relationship will ever be the same! It really did hurt me that a friend could think that about me. It made me think that maybe i am a bad person! But hopefully after a heart to heart email we have it sorted ish! Could have done without it all that though as i shed enough tears as it is at the moment!

On the plus side, i have now lost a total of 1 1/2 stone on slimming world which i am really happy about! My periods have so far the past few months been predictable and i have had signs of ovulation such as my boobs being sore and sensitive and minor cramp like pains a couple of weeks before i have a period. But even though we have been upping the TTC now, this past few weeks have struggled due to in general feeling tired on both parts and both of us looking forward to time off from work at chirstmas!

Well this will probably be the last time i write this year! So i want to wish everyone a merry christmas. Here to a new start in 2011 and hoping that 2011 is the year! Thank you for reading x

Emo Emo

Oh god! Why!

Another friend of my husbands has annouced they are expecting a baby! Really hit me hard this time! They have only been together, not even a year! I havent taken it well because we have been trying 18 months and nothing! I cant bring myself to congratulate them! Even through face book! It wouldnt be so bad if they had been together longer or something! You know, i feel like someone (im not religious but a god type person) is kicking me in the face! What have i dont thats so bad that i deserve this! The only thing in my life i have ever imagined myself doing, being a mother and i cant even do that! Whats the point anymore!

Not much has been happening! I joined slimming world and i wish i had done it sooner! Its is soo easy and i so far have lost 15lb! Thats just over a stone! In like 10 weeks!!!! I think thats quite an achievement.
Also on a positive not, i think the weightloss has kick started my cycles. The last 2 periods have been normal! By normal i mean they lasted no more than 10 days! I had about 6 weeks between them, and so i predicted my next one would start this week or early next and no kid you i have cramp and spotting! So here it comes. If i last no more then 10 days again i will be happy! It just goes to show that loosing weight can help with PCOS, even just a stone!
I am also thinking that my last period and this one i may have ovulated. Purely because i have had sore slightly swollen breasts, which is a symptom i used to get when my periods were a bit more normal! So i am taking that as a postive sign!
I really just hope that Jan will be positive. Its my next Gynae appt and they said if i have a dramatic weightloss they may consider clomid! But i am now worried that if they think i am ovulating that they will see if nature will take its course and they will leave me for another 6 months of trying! I hope not because its already been like 18 months!
Chin up ladies!!!! Weightloss really can help and i think slimming world is amazing! Extra easy is a lifestyle change that you can easily adapt too!!!

Gynae Appt Mon 13th

Had another appointment on monday! They didnt weigh me though. I saw a guy this time and i didnt feel as comfortable with him. He was old and bumbled on a bit and didnt seem to be listening to anything we were saying. I had to repeat myself 3 or 4 times.
Basically the results from my HSG are fine, no blockages which is good news and with hubbys count improved the plan is for me to really concentrate on loosing weight and not take any northisterone so we can see if i start to develop any kind of cycle. He wont give my clomid because he said it makes you put on weight and then of course getting pregnant makes you put on weight, so he thinks it safer that i loose a good few stone, which makes sense. So i am going to try really hard and stick to it.
I started slimming world the thursday before last. So when i went last thursday i had lost 4lb which i was really amazed at! I worked out that if i loose 3.5lb a week then by my next gynae appt i will be 14 stone and they doc with definatly give me clomid. So a good start at the moment then! I currently weight 17stone 10lb. Brill !!!
Thats all for now, thanx for reading x

Up and Down

Well 3 weeks into my new job now, and things seem to be going good. I dont seem as stressed! But just trying to fit into the new routine.
I have been very emotional over the past few weeks. My period arrived on wednesday, this is the first one that hasnt been northisterone induced and so now its a wait and see if it ever finishes! I hope so!
I had a few really teary days. I think the whole situation is really getting to me. Mainly because i was hoping to have had a baby by now! But alas that plan didnt work! My husband has been great. Not only has the whole baby situation got to me, but i feel a failure as a wife. I just dont feel i do as much as i should in regards to housework! My diet has been up and down! Mainly down and i dont have scales to weight my self on at work anymore so im not sure what i weigh! Im dreading my gynae appointment because i know they are just going to tell me to keep loosing weight! I know that they wont give me clomid! As much as i hope they will!
I had some strange dreams over the past few weeks aswell. One involved me breastfeeding a baby and another involving me having a C-section, yes i know weird! Babies are starting to creep into most of my dreams! Just why not reality!? Have i been that bad a person that i cannot do the one things i am good at and to me destined to do! Bring up a little family! Thats all i want to do!
Blurgh!

Trauma!!!!!

OMG never in my life do i want to do an HSG test EVER!!!! It was awful....

The registrar radioligist was a lovely young man, he had a female assistant. Firstly husbands aren't allowed in the room, i was nervous as it was so this made me reall anxious. I got on the bed and they went ahead with getting the speculum in, MY GOD! He was rough and it hurt! I was in tears!! He took it out as it wasnt in the right place and then tried again!!!!!!!! Once it was in they pulled the machine over, but it kept jamming! They were pulling it and yanking and each time making the bed shake, which in turn made me clench which cause pain! After 5 mins of this i had enough and burst into tears!! I was sobbing and shaking like a baby. They decided to stop so they could fix the machine, so he had to take the speculum out! They were at least nice enough to call my husband in to calm me down!
Once it was fixed they asked if i wanted to continue! Which i did, get it over with now! So 3rd time lucky, speculum again! No he wasnt more gentle beings as i was upset! Finally got everything sorted! But boy was i quick to leave the room this time!

SO with that over with now, its just waiting. I have my next gynae appt in september.

Weighloss is going very very slow! I have given up with the gym and cancelled my membership because i was wasting money by not going and so i am having to find alternitive ways to loose weight, like playing on the dance game on the Wii! I will have to get a wii fit soon i think! Last time i weighed myself i was 112.1kg! So slowly getting there!!! But i dont think 2 days of junk food will have helped as we travelled 2 hours after work on friday to see friends, so got fast food to eat and then spent the day at the seaside on sat which again meant junk food! Detox week this week as in a few weeks i will be going to Leeds festival and the only option for food there is junk!! Oh joy!

opps, another well overdue update!!!

Hummm, when will i get into the swing of updating more often lol.

Well, updates, my Hubby has been discharged from his urologist, they are happy with his results on the well man vits. That is EXTREMELY good news!!! Although he does have high prolactic levels, which i am not sure what that means exactly. Will wait to ask my gynae when i see them in September.
I have my HSG test booked for 27th July. Really am NOT looking forward to it. I am very nervous about any new procedure i have to endure as i don't know what it will feel like. Will it hurt? I am such a wimp! I will be glad to get of the northisterone. It is making my weight loss more difficult and its not really good for baby making.
I am starting a new job in 2 weeks. Hoping it will be less stress. My current job is pushing me to my limits. I only went on holiday last week but i feel i need another one already!
Oh yeah, my old boss, (from when i was a nanny) is moving house. He has very kindly given me all the old baby stuff as he doesn't need it anymore (he has divorced his wife) and he was only gonna take it to a charity shop if we didn't want it. He said you will need in one day. I know people will think we are crazy, but why should we say no! I mean hope is a good thing. I want to try positive thinking. Plus its good stuff for free!! If we don't end up using it we can sell it and make some money lol.
Thanks once again for reading.

Weight update .....

I'm feeling good today. I know weight 113kg. I prefer to use kg as i feel i have lost more than stones ( i haven't even lost a stone yet!). But i think i am slowly getting there. I have stopped drinking squash and having more water instead. Not sure if this is helping! But i hope so!

My northisterone has been a pain! By god was my period painful and heavy. Thankfully i was prepared and took lots of ibuprofen. Also had a sore throat so didn't really feel to good that weekend. I didn't get an appointment for my HSG test, so will have to go through this for another month!

3 weeks time is my hubby's appt with his consultant. This should give us the low down on whether the well man vitamins have made any difference! I hope so because i think in Sept they may give me Clomid! xx Fingers crossed!

Other than mood swings, stress and emotional outbursts, things are same as. Work is STRESSING me big time, which i don't think is good for baby making, or my health in general!

Thanks for reading!!

Emotional Day

Phew, Yesterday, what a day.

Im not really sure why, but was just a bad, bad day. Work was very busy and with my collegue on Annual leave i was doing 2 peoples work. Then the transport was delayed and in general i was feeling very low about baby making. It have been a whole year since we have been trying, i was kinda hoping by now i would have a baby or be heavily pregnant! Then to rub it in i saw the cutest little girl sat in the pushchair that i dream of having one day! Not good. Felt like crying most of the day. Im not sure if its the northisterone that is making it worse!

My hubby went to give his sample again today. He has been on wellman vits for 3 months now, to see if they make any improvment to the quality. Fingers crossed because if nothing is improved then it may be the IVF route for us. But we will know in 6 weeks when we have his follow up appointment. Its going to be a long 6 weeks i think.

I havent been to the gym this week, which i am really annoyed at. Its been a busy week with other personal matters not connected to PSOC. Im will be back next week though. I think monday calls for swim.

Update soon
xxHELENxx

OMG, i haven't updated in forever! I didn't realise i have followers either! Hello! Thank you for reading my boringness lol.

So, Whats going on with the PCOS? Well, i went to my follow up gynae appt. I had lost 3kg, which i thought was pretty good. She has also out me on northesiterone, so i can stop bleeding and get some regular cycles for my dye x ray test.
It is soo nice to not be bleeding. After almost constant bleeding all year, and recently a few heavier more painful bleeds (ended up in A&E begging for stronger pain killers!!! Was that bad) its a nice break. But i have been warned, the first bleed after taking northestirone for 3 weeks will be painful and heavy! Great!
I have been a bit up and down with the gym recently. I have been going, but dragging myself. I have stopped going to gym classes as i always feel so awkward and look like a fat whale trying to move! I hate the fact the room where you have the classes is all mirrored walls. I don't want to look at myself looking like an idiot thank you. I also don't feel comfortable if there are men in the classes too, or skinny women that wear tiny hot pants. Its gross! I have been thinking of trying curves, which is some kinda of women only gym. I will enquire at the weekend.
A close friend of my hubby (his best man) had a baby girl on Monday. Well not him, but his wife. Again that little bit of jealousy kicked in, but i am trying to be more positive. Its not fair to be jealous of other people! All babies are miracles. Its just even worse when you see pregnant ladies staggering down the street with a can of strongbow in their hands! That was sickening. Poor baby.
End of June we should get the low down on whats going on with my hubby's side of things. It will either be yes, we can think about the clomid or no its not worth it IVF for you. I really am not looking forward to it. I am too overweight for IVF on the NHS, and in most private clinics. I certainly wont be able to afford more than 1 cycle privately and i really don't like the idea of IVF, the whole injecting your self and waiting for the Positive or negative. Not sure if i could really cope with it! Adoption may be a route for us. But i really want to bring a child up from as young as possible. But i will have to see what the docs say before i start writing the situation off for now!!
Thank you for reading

Scan today

So today i went for a lovey scan where they stick a probe up my lady bits. Nice. Wasnt as bad as when i last had it done, which was when i had my diagnosis scan.
Anyway i went to get some not so nice information like how thick the lining of my womb is or if there are any polyps. The lovely scan lady also showed me my ovaries and what the cysts look like. It was kinda strange but nice to see!

Annoying thing was the ultra sound department for Gynae is shared with Antenatal ultrasound, a little ironic i hear you say, yes. Quite frustrating really watching all the mums with their bounty packs going off for scans. Yet im sat there trying to find a way to get to that stage! Bit insensitive of the hospital really.

Im finding this stupid diet a pain too. I know its all for a good cause, but why do i have to be the one who puts in 100% effort to conceive yet most other people "accidentally" get pregnant. Im gonna say they classic "its not fair". But i have to keep trying, fight through my worsening chocolate cravings. Oh i cannot tell you how bad they are getting. I swear i am getting more headaches because of the cold turkey. Arrghhhhh!

Fighting Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)

PCOS is becoming very common.
I was diagnosed in August 2008. I was told there was nothing i could do, maybe loose a little weight. If i had been explained more clearly what PCOS was, then i would have made an effort to loose more weight back then, before i started trying to get pregnant!!
I changed doctors when my hubby and i moved house. We went to the doc as we wanted to start trying for baby and knew that PCOS would affect it in some way. She was really lovely and did all the tests needed to refer me to a gynaecologist. I went for that appt in March. She was very lovely, having PCOS herself and needing help to conceive her son and loosing the weight. She was very encouraging but honest!

So now i am on the GI diet, as this helps the insulin levels, which is some how connected to PCOS. I still don't really understand it all. I'm just doing what the gynae asked me to do as i know she knows best.I know PCOS can mess up your period cycles. I don't really have a cycle, i am just pretty much constantly bleeding some sort of blood!Have been all year via 1 week!

I have also joined the gym! I HATE gyms but its the only way to get me going. I bought a full membership so i can freely go in and out as i please, hopefully without many instructors taking too much notice of me!! I am also taking Metformin which again helps the insulin connection. I also have started to take a herbal tincture called agnus castus which apparently helps to balance the hormones.

I am going to start blogging on my weight loss goals, feelings and emotions and hopefully have some outlet for all this. I want to learn more about PCOS and hopefully hear from other women who have the same problems.

Here are my numbers from first gynae appt :
Weight : 18.5 Stone
BMI: 43 0r 45 i cant remember!!

Target to be reached by July
Weight: 16.5 Stone
BMI: 39.6 ( i think)

I have been on the diet and exercise things for 4 weeks now. I don't have any scales to weigh myself, so i will do at work tomorrow. But i lost 1/2 inch of my chest waist and hips which i hope is good!! But maybe not enough!! who knows!!

Wish me luck xx